Order a #2—it comes with two small cheeseburgers but ask for it without cheese.

Do a hybrid up-size by asking for a large drink but sticking with the regular-sized fries. Do not order your meal to-go. If you do, the minute you leave the building, your meal will be instantly cold and therefore inedible. While waiting for your credit card transaction to process, quickly scan the restaurant for the Coca Cola Freestyle machine. If you see one, ask the cashier to fill up your diet soda at the drive-through fountain. You don’t want to risk your diet soda being contaminated by other flavors. Don’t even consider ordering a sugary soda, do I need to remind you how many calories are in the fries alone (380 which is significantly more than just one of the mini hamburgers you’re going to get)?

Make a bet on how competent the server is. You asked for a cheeseburger without cheese. Are you going to get a regular hamburger in the brown and white paper, or a cheeseburger in the yellow and red wrapping with a special order tag taped to it which reads “no cheese”.

Monitor the tray next to the cash register and upon the last item being added to the tray, ask the cashier for picante sauce. Be very prompt, otherwise the cashier will desert you and you will not have time to wait for the sauce before your food chills. Be specific, don’t ask for salsa, the package label reads “picante”, and you’ll have much better luck asking for what’s on the label. If you ask for hot sauce, you’ll get a confused look and then be handed Tabasco sauce.

Choose a seat near the front registers as far away from the playplace as possible. You’ll be annoyed by the constant beeping of fry and burger timers, but it’s much better than the smell of children’s feet and less sticky too.

Unwrap your burger and remove one side of the bun. Add a single solid layer of fries and replace the bun. Take a bite. Add picante sauce along the edge you’ve taken a bite out of and repeat. Finish both burgers, then start on the fries. Squirt all remaining picante sauce in a pile on the tray paper. Dip the fries into the sauce like you would ketchup.